The Stepmom's Slice of Life

Check Out My Interview with Izzy Rose on Stepmother's Milk

Hi everyone,

I just wanted to encourage you all to check out my interview that was conducted by Izzy Rose, author of The Package Deal: My Not So Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Stepmom as well as the highly respected blog "Stepmother's Milk."

You can find my interview on Izzy's blog under the category of Stepmom in the Spotlight for October.

Enjoy!

The Confrontation

As hard as we try as stepmothers to avoid having an argument with our husband’s ex-wife, it’s just inevitable that at some time or another, it’s going to happen.  I’ll be honest: Lucy and I are anything but close.  We’re polite and cordial to one another, but considering she lives in Montreal and I live in Wichita and I rarely have the occasion to see her, that’s been the extent of our interaction for the last seven years.  Lucy would occasionally call our house to talk to Aidan when the kids weren’t here to discuss finances or the kids’ behavior.  The majority of the time, she would only call his cell phone when he was at work.  I just assumed that she wanted to talk to Aidan when the kids weren’t home so that she could have some privacy for the call on her end.  She never called our house with great frequency when the kids weren’t here, but she did make the occasional phone call.  When the kids were visiting, though, Lucy regularly called our home – not on Aidan’s cell phone.  This all changed after the kids’ visit during last summer of 2008.

At one point during their visit last summer, Lucy called the house around 10:30 pm, which was way past the boys’ bedtime.  On this particular day, the boys had been rather cranky and getting them into bed had been difficult.  I was in bed when the phone rang and I quickly grabbed it, hoping that it wouldn’t wake up the kids. 

“Hello, Kath-er-ine.  It’s Lucy.  Connor called me earlier today and I’m returning his phone call,” she said.

“Hi Lucy.  I’d be happy to put Connor on the phone with you, but he’s actually in bed right now.  Can I have him call you tomorrow?” I asked.

“Actually, I’d really like to talk with him now, if you don’t mind,” she answered.

I didn’t know it at the time, but this was a pivotal moment in our relationship as biological mother and stepmother.  I had just committed a cardinal sin of being a stepmother: I was preventing the biological mother from speaking with her child.  The only problem was that I didn’t know it.

“Lucy, the boys have been pretty ratty today, and if I go in to wake up Connor, then Rory will get woken up too.  Now, I’m happy to have him call you tomorrow and you guys can talk for as long as you’d like, but it’s just really late here.”

“Kath-er-ine, I’d like to speak with him right now,” she said. 

“Alright, I’ll go and get him.”  I shot Aidan, who had been preparing his clothes for work the next day, a look of pure disgust and stomped off to the boys’ room.  Very quietly, I shook Connor awake and whispered to him to come with me.  Groggily, he climbed out of bed and followed me to our bedroom. 

“Why did you wake me up, Katie?” he asked.

“Your mom’s on the phone and she would like to speak with you.  She said that she’s returning your phone call from earlier,” I said.

I didn’t listen to the phone conversation – I always make a point of giving the kids privacy when they speak with their mother – and so I went into my bathroom and sat there, waiting for the call to be over.  Meanwhile, Aidan lay in bed and read.  About five minutes passed and Connor got off the phone.  I walked out of the bathroom and climbed into bed.

“So, is everything OK with your mom?” I asked.

Connor nodded sleepily.  “Katie?  Can I please go back to bed now?”

“Of course, sweetie.  You know, you can call your mom back tomorrow and talk for as long as you’d like, OK?”

He nodded again and walked back to bed.

I looked over at Aidan with a disgusted look on my face.  “Now you tell me,” I said to him.  “Was that really necessary?”

“No,” Aidan answered.  “But you also had a definite nasty tone of voice going on there.”

“What kind of tone of voice?  One like I was irritated that I had to wake Connor up at 10:30 at night?”

“Yeah, kind of like that.  I can tell you that Lucy won’t be happy about this,” Aidan said.

“Who cares?  She should know better!  And for that matter, whose side are you on, anyway?  Don’t you think it was ridiculous for her to call so late, and then she only wanted to talk to Connor?” I asked, becoming very angry.

“Quit acting like a child!” Aidan snapped.  “Of course I think that tonight’s call was ridiculous, but you’re making it worse.”

“No,” I replied.  “You’re making it worse by standing up for her!  Could you please call her tomorrow and remind her about the boys’ bedtimes?”

“Just drop it, Katie, OK?”  Irritated and frustrated with Aidan, I grabbed the blanket and snapped off my light.  I was done.

A couple of weeks passed, and Lucy called from time to time.  If I happened to answer the phone, she was cordial toward me.  However, the late-night phone call was never mentioned.  Stupidly, I assumed that I’d never hear about it again – but that was not to be.  Only a day went by once the boys were home in Montreal before Aidan started getting phone calls from Lucy complaining about my attempt to thwart her from speaking with her child.  Little did I know that by trying to let Connor sleep, I had crossed a line with Lucy: I had prevented her access to her child, and Lucy had spent the last few weeks stewing over this infraction.

As a side note, I always know when Lucy calls Aidan at work because when he comes home, he is irritated in a certain way – a way that comes across as something chewing at him from the inside that just won’t go away.  He usually will tell me what has transpired, but for some reason, this time he didn’t.  But when Aidan came home like this for three days in a row, I finally confronted him and asked him what had happened with Lucy.

“What makes you think that something’s going on with Lucy?” Aidan asked.

“Because I can tell when she’s been calling you at work and you guys have been fighting, that’s why.  This has been going on for days, so why don’t you just sit down and tell me what’s wrong,” I said.  Aidan slowly walked across the room and sank down into a chair.

“Lucy’s mad because of that night she called to talk to Connor and you didn’t let her,” he said.

“Wait a second,” I said, starting to feel that far-too-familiar feeling that I was going to lose my temper.  “Are you talking about that night that she called at 10:30, and after I tried to explain that Connor was asleep, I woke him up because she insisted?  How exactly is that me not letting her talk to her son?”

“Just stop – OK?  Stop it!  I’m sick of this shit!” Aidan responded.

“Well, just answer me one thing: what did you tell her?” I asked.

“I told her that she needed to get over it.”

“Then why have you continued to take her phone calls when she’s apparently been very pissed off at me for the last few days?  Why didn’t you tell her to stop with her crap days ago?” I yelled.

“This is exactly why I didn’t want to tell you!” Aidan yelled back at me.  “The last thing I need is to have you and her yelling at me!”

“Fine!” I snapped.  “But don’t you think you could have suggested to her that she call me and take up her problem with me personally instead of going through you?  Doesn’t that seem like the mature and adult way of handling this situation?”

“Just drop it already!  I’m sick of listening to the two of you bitch!” Aidan yelled.

“Oh, I’ll drop it.  But I’m going to put an end to this right now,” I said.  I took a deep breath and calmed down.  “I’m going to call her and apologize and put an end to this thing.”

“Whatever,” Aidan said.  And with that, I went upstairs to our room where I’d be undisturbed.  I waited and made sure that I was calm.  I thought through what I was going to say and the tone of voice I was going to use.  OK, I thought.  I’m ready.  So I dialed Lucy’s number and waited, hoping that I wouldn’t get the machine.

“Hello?” Lucy said.

“Hi Lucy, it’s Katie calling.”

“Oh, hello, Katie,” she said.  I could tell from her voice that I had definitely caught her off-guard.  I’ve definitely got the upper-hand, so I’m going to stay calm, cool, and collected, I thought.

“Lucy, the reason why I’m calling is because Aidan told me that you’ve been calling him the last few days because you’ve been upset with something I did,” I said.

“Well, I, uh” she hesitated.

“Lucy, I’m calling to apologize.  When you called that night, I in no way wanted to prevent you from speaking with Connor.  In fact, nothing could have been further from my mind.  The kids were sleeping and it was late.  I just thought that if you knew that, you wouldn’t want to talk to Connor until the next day.  I had no idea it was that important to you to speak to him.  I promise, it will never happen again,” I said.

“Well, thank you Kath-er-ine,” she said.

“Lucy, please call me Katie,” I said.  Christ, I thought.  Here we go with the Katherine crap.  By now I’d figured out that she only called me Katherine when she was feeling insecure or wanted to talk down to me like I was a naughty child.  But I kept going with what I had planned to say. 

“I also wanted to let you know that if I ever do something in the future that upsets you, could you please just let me know and give me the opportunity to apologize and so that we could work things out together?  We really don’t need to put Aidan in the middle, OK?” I asked. 

“Fine, Katherine.  There actually is something that I’d like to talk to you about,” she said.

“Great!  What is it?” I asked.

“Well, Aidan is really doing a very bad job about telling Rory that he’ll never live with you two.”

“I beg your pardon?” I asked.

“You must understand, I blame Aidan for this, but you can help.  Every time Rory asks if he can live with you, I want you to tell him ‘no,’ alright?”

“Lucy,” I said, taking a deep breath knowing that she wasn’t going to like my answer.  “I can’t do that.” 

“Well, I don’t see why not,” she said and I could her voice becoming edgy.

“Lucy, I can’t do that because first of all, it’s none of my business.  Sure, I get a say in who lives in my house, but where Rory lives is a decision that should be made between you, Aidan, and Rory.  I would just encourage you to think about what is in Rory’s best interests,” I said.

“I see,” she said coldly.  “You know what Kath-er-ine?  I’ve put up with a lot from you over these last years.”  Uh-oh, I thought.  This is not going to go well.  “You put ideas into my children’s heads that I don’t approve of, you don’t understand that a child’s place is with his mother, and you ruined my marriage.”

“Lucy, wait a second.  I had absolutely nothing to do with your divorce.  I also think that we’re getting off the subject: I called to apologize to you,” I said.

“And Aidan has been a terrible father by moving so far away from his children,” she continued, as though she hadn’t heard a word I said.

“Lucy, once again: I called to apologize,” I knew that under no circumstances was I going to engage in this conversation, so the best thing I could do is just repeat myself by going back to the original reason why I had called her: be the broken record.  This was the best technique I had learned to use when dealing with irrational people.

“If Aidan wanted to be any kind of a father, he never would have left his children in the first place.  And now, Aidan has allowed Rory to think that he has a chance that he can possibly even live with you,” she continued.

“OK, Lucy,” I said.  I wasn’t going to listen to any more of this garbage – not to mention that our so-called conversation was going absolutely nowhere.  “I will not tolerate anyone putting Aidan down for any reason whatsoever.  Once again, I’m going to suggest that both you and Aidan need to think about what’s in Rory’s best interests.  And for the last time, I simply called to apologize to you.  So, if that’s it for now, I hope that you have a good evening,” I said.

“Fine then.  Good-bye,” she said and hung up the phone.

I was shaking after that encounter.  In my mind, I had handled myself well and not lowered myself to her level.  I had not taken her bait about her divorce, Rory wanting to live with us, or anything else.  I also made it clear to her that I would not listen to any of her insults towards Aidan.  But that line that I was responsible for breaking up her marriage?  Who was she kidding?  I didn’t even start dating Aidan until after they were separated!  My God!  She’s just looking for any reason she can to hate me.  To be perfectly honest, I was pretty proud of the way I handled myself.

I tried to shake off the confrontation and went back downstairs to tell Aidan what had happened.  He looked genuinely shocked when I told him that I had called and apologized to Lucy – I guess he didn’t think that I’d actually do it.  I also told him about what Lucy said after I apologized.

For whatever reason, Aidan didn’t seem that surprised.  We didn’t talk about it any more that evening, and I thought that after my apology, Lucy’s angry phone calls to Aidan would stop.  I was wrong.

The next night, Aidan came home from work, and he was furious with me.  “Katie, what exactly did you say to Lucy yesterday?” he shouted.

“I told you everything.  I also had to go into the broken record routine because she was bad-mouthing you and accusing me of ruining your marriage.  I wasn’t going to let her go on with her lies, so I kept bringing it back to the fact that I’d called to apologize to her,” I said.

“Well, today Lucy called me again – and she was pissed.  She said that you kept repeating yourself over and over last night, and that you’re too self-assured and too self-confident.  Why did you have to do that?”

“You can’t be serious!” I yelled at him.  “I wasn’t going to sit there and be insulted or let her insult you!  You know how I am when I’m dealing with someone who’s behaving irrationally – I repeat what the conversation was supposed to be about and try to get things back on track!  Are you actually taking Lucy’s side on this?  Since when is it wrong to apologize and stand up for myself?”  I was so angry with him.  My hands were clenched into fists.

“I don’t care what happens between the two of you – I’m out of it!” Aidan snapped.  “And I told Lucy that too – I’m sick of you two bitching about each other to me!”

“But what you’re missing here is that I was standing up for you!  I won’t let some small-minded and insecure jerk put you or me down, and if you don’t know that about me after being together for six years, then I don’t know what your problem is!” I yelled.  What was happening here?  Why was Aidan mad at me?  Was it just the frustration of having to deal with Lucy’s crap and I was an easy target to take his frustrations out on?  Why couldn’t he see that I had tried to put an end to the arguing?

As the months passed, Aidan started realizing that I had only done what I thought was right, and, unfortunately in Lucy’s mind, the only thing that was “right” would be for me to do whatever she said.  Finally, Aidan understands that I will never allow myself to be controlled by anyone – especially not Lucy, even if it causes more friction in our relationship. 

But the result of my attempted apology has had a long lasting a consequence: Lucy will not call our home unless the boys are visiting here.  It doesn’t matter if it’s nine o’clock at night – Lucy will only call Aidan’s cell phone.  We’re still pleasant with one another when we speak, but I think we both know why this is the only interaction that we have.  When I asked Aidan about the cell phone calls, he told me that basically, Lucy doesn’t want to hear my voice.

The boys have figured out their mother’s routine of only calling Aidan’s cell phone except when they are with us, and trust me, they are full of questions and observations over the whole scenario.  But that’s another story.

 

Being the Bigger Person - Does It Ever Work?

I just finished reading No One's the Bitch, and I really, really liked it.  I think that it's a terrific resource for stepmothers and bio-moms alike.

But here's my only problem with it: in order for the book to really work, both the stepmother and the bio-mom have to want to improve their relationship.  I mean, it had some great insights for me as a stepmom to consider and reevaluate some of my own behavior.  This works well if it's just me who wants to be the bigger person.  (By the way, the book uses a great term in the book: stepmartyr.  This is something that I never want to be, especially as I strive to "be the bigger person" in my interactions with my husband's ex.)

So, how can we as stepmothers encourage bio-moms to work on creating a productive and acrimonious-free relationship with each other?  I definitely want to achieve this with Lucy, my husband's ex.  I'm not proposing that she and I become best friends, but I really do want things to move beyond the occasional cordial pleasantries that we exchange only when the boys are visiting.  Other than that, Lucy does not call our home.  She only calls my husband's cell phone, and he has informed me that she does this so that she "doesn't have to hear my voice."  [For the details on how we got ourselves into this situation, check out my upcoming article in the September issue of StepMom Magazine called "The Confrontation."]

My husband wants to send Lucy a copy of "No One's the Bitch."  Personally, I think that it's a good idea; however, it's going to require that my husband explain to her his purpose behind giving her the book.  We haven't had that conversation yet about how he's going to suggest that she read it, but what will be interesting is her reaction to it.

I would like nothing more than to have a more productive and healthy relationship with Lucy.  Listen, we're not going to be going out for meals, sharing holidays, or any of the other friendship-building activities that are presented in the book simply because I live in Kansas and Lucy lives in Montreal.  We never see one another.  However, I think that it would alleviate a lot of stress for both of us if we could get along better and not just put on a show for the kids' sakes.  

How are you stepmothers handling these situations?  How do you step up to the plate and be the bigger person?  Do you find yourself in a situation when you feel like you're the only one making an effort to be polite and not badmouth the bio-mom, even though you know that she is putting you down in her home (because the stepkids give you copious examples of what she says about you)?  This isn't me being a stepmartyr - this is me stating facts that go on in my personal situation.  Do you ever stop trying to fix the situation?  

I'd love input on how you all handle trying to create a more productive and healthy relationship with your husbands' ex-wives - especially those of you who are in a long-distance situation.  What works for you?  

Thanks for your help!

Best,

Katie

Great Stepmother Resources

Check out these terrific stepmother resources:

www.stepmommag.wordpress.com

www.stepmothersmilk.com

www.thestepmomstoolbox.com

www.labellemere.uk.blogspot.com

No One's the Bitch

Stepmonster

Enjoy!

Keeping Our Mouths Shut

Lately, there have been a lot of posts about how stepmothers can't complain about the ups and downs of their stepchildren.  Thankfully, I have very supportive friends (who are bio-moms) who listen to my problems with the kids.  But seriously, people - bio parents complain/vent about their kids all the time.  The majority of us bite our tongues, don't offer any advice, and just listen.  Turn the tables, however, and for many of us, it's a completely different story.  Immediately, we are the wicked stepmother who can't handle children - especially if we are childless stepmothers.  

So what can we do in these situations?  The obvious thing is to find a supportive network of women, both bio and stepmothers, who we can vent to and get advice from?  Our husbands?  I think that we all know where that goes - no offense to men.  There's just something about talking to women and mothers at that.  

Take this summer for example.  My eldest stepson is now 14, and he's acting like a typical teenager.  Here's the problem: I'm not around him except for three times a year, and the whole "in your face" and "talking back" thing, well, I haven't had the experience to deal with it, and I really need advice.  So where does that leave us?  Can we complain about our stepchildren the way that biological parents do about their kids?  Do we have to keep our mouths shut?  Is there some middle ground?

Does anyone out there have a solution?

Musings on Our Summer Visit with My Stepsons - Part 2

I've never had a summer visit with the boys the way we did this past summer.  It was emotionally very stressful with my oldest stepson.  My youngest stepson was his usual cheerful and upbeat self.  But for whatever reason, ever since the boys left, I've been absolutely exhausted.  I don't mean just plain tired - I mean exhausted.  I fall asleep at random hours during the day in the middle of doing simple tasks, and even in the middle of writing.  I have the hardest time waking up in the morning.  This was never something I had a problem with, but now I just can't shake it!  Am I becoming a narcoleptic?  I certainly hope not!

My husband keeps trying to tell me that I'm decompressing from their visit.  Could that possibly be true?  And if so, how long should I expect this to last?  I've never had this reaction to the boys' visits before.  Does anyone else out there ever have these kinds of responses to their stepchildren's visits?  If so, could someone please tell me how they deal with it?

Musings on Our Summer Visit with My Stepsons - Part 1

I am a childless stepmother, and I only get to see my stepsons three times a year: Christmas, Spring Break, and half of the summer.  My husband, on the other hand, makes a monthly trip to Montreal to visit the boys where they live with their mother.  While the limited contact with the boys is extremely difficult for my husband, and, I can only assume for the boys as well, it is also difficult for me.

Each time I see the boys, they are in a completely new developmental phase.  As a childless stepmother, I'm not familiar with the phases that kids are going to go through - all I've got is trying to remember back to how my brothers and sister treated my parents.  Usually the Spring Break trip gives me a hint of what to expect over the summer vacation, but this year, things changed.  And I mean, they changed radically.

My youngest stepson, Rory, has always been very easy for me to get along with.  In fact, I joke and say that it's as though someone literally took a rib out of my husband and created a little clone in Rory.  Perhaps that's why we get along so well - I understand what makes my husband tick and, by extension, I have a very good idea as to what makes Rory tick.  (I'll make no bones about it: I really, really hope that this doesn't change.)

Connor, my oldest stepson, is a different story.  When he asks me who he is more like, his mother or his father, I tell him that since I don't know his mother very well at all, that I can only assume that he's the perfect hybrid of his parents.  Not wanting him to feel slighted by my opinion, I tell him that I was a hybrid of my mother and father as well.  The problem with the hybrid model, though, is that because I don't know or really understand my stepsons' bio-mom, Lucy, it's tough for me to always understand what's making Connor do and say the things he does.  

This summer was rough.  Connor turned 14, and he was radically different this trip than he was during his Spring Break.  This summer was jam packed with back-talk and muttering about me (usually swearing at me and calling me names) as he'd walk away.  Everything I asked him to do, for the most part, came with questions of "Why do I have to do that?"  and "I don't want to do that - what am I?  Your slave?"  I'd promptly respond with my standard line, "You're going to do it because I said so and if you don't, privileges will start to be taken away."  

The pinnacle of our confrontations, however, came at one point during one of these interactions in which I was doing everything to not lose my temper with Connor spraying bleach onto an antique table that I had inherited from my parents.  Connor's response?  "Um, Katie?  Are you sure that you should be thinking about having kids?  I mean, I really don't think that you can handle it."

With that, I sent him to his room and immediately set out to find my husband.  I vented to him, and he wanted to know what I'd done about it.  After telling me that I need to let these things "roll off my back" for the umpteenth time this summer, I snapped.  I told my husband that I didn't need to calm down and, in fact, he needed to get more involved and stop this back-talk, which he was also experiencing.  Aidan, my husband, chalked it up to adolescence.  I told him that we needed to set boundaries - and quickly.

Later that day, Rory found me working in my office and told me that Connor thought that I was "out to get him."  I'll be honest, that blew my mind.  Connor had also apparently told this same comment to his mother, which was the last thing I wanted.  But after I heard this and tried to put myself into Connor's shoes, I could see how he might feel that way - especially since Aidan hadn't been helping with the discipline.  

After the boys had gotten themselves ready for bed, I went in to see Connor, and I sat at the edge of his bed.  

"Connor," I said quietly.  "I really, really need this fighting between us to stop."

"Mm hmm," he said, looking down at his latest electronic gadget.

"Connor, please look at me," I said.  He put his toy down and stared right into my eyes.  "Connor, it very well might feel like I'm breathing down your neck lately."

"Yeah, so?" he asked defiantly.

"Well, the truth is, I'm not.  I just miss the old Connor - the one who I used to have fun with and who I didn't fight with.  I know that you're changing a lot right now, and that's just fine - that's normal...but," I was trying to think fast so that I could keep this on a 14-year old's terms.  "Here's the thing.  We've known each other for seven years - and that's a long time.  When you think that I'm being a jerk or unreasonable, I'd really like it if you'd ask yourself whether I'm the one who has changed or maybe whether it's you who has changed."

Finally, I thought, I'd gotten through to him.  He was really thinking about this.  

"I also want to tell you that this fighting is absolutely tearing me up inside.  I hate it.  Can we please, please, please stop?"  

The defiance was gone, and now all that was left was the boy I'd known for years.

"Can you just tell me that you'll try?" I asked.  He nodded.  I gave him a big hug and whispered in his ear, "I love you more than you'll ever know, Connor.  Don't you ever forget that."

Our conversation didn't magically stop the fighting and back-talk, but finally, about five weeks into his visit, Connor started to calm down.  Unfortunately, however, he had to leave a week later!

More to come later....

Meeting the Ex

For most stepmothers, meeting your husband’s ex-wife for the first time is an incredibly nerve-wracking experience, and my situation was no exception.  I knew that Lucy was a difficult person – or at least, that was my impression of her gleaned from receiving countless lists and directions from her when the boys visited our home and through overhearing Aidan’s end of phone conversations with her.  And of course, I had heard Aidan’s side of the story concerning why their marriage had ended and Lucy’s role in the break up.  Honestly, I secretly wished that there were a way that I could just be a stepmother and wife without meeting Lucy, but of course, this wasn’t practical.

A year after becoming the boys’ stepmother had passed before she and I met face to face, mostly because we lived in the States and Lucy and the kids lived in Montreal.  Combine this with the fact that Lucy wasn’t entirely comfortable with the idea of meeting me and I didn’t have an overwhelming urge to meet her, the distance ended up being an easy excuse for why we had never met one another.  Aidan would travel on his own to Montreal to visit the kids on his appointed weekends, and then he’d pick them up and bring them to our home over the holidays and in the summer.  In hindsight, I probably should have insisted on meeting Lucy sooner, but the right thing to do is almost never the easy thing to do. 

Over the year that I had been his stepmother, Connor had become increasingly more agitated and wary of spending time at our home in the States.  He resented having a stepmother, and it quickly became clear that things would have to change in the way that Aidan, Lucy, and I interacted.  First and foremost, Connor needed to see his mother and I together and getting along as adults.  After all, Connor was seven and Rory was five.  It was time for Lucy and I to meet; more importantly, it was time for all of the adults to start behaving like responsible parents and put the children’s needs ahead of our own insecurities.

I confronted Aidan with my rationale for finally meeting Lucy, and he agreed.  If Connor could see his mother and I interacting in a polite and friendly way, he just might start to relax and realize that he was free to like me and still remain loyal to his mother.  After Aidan and I talked things through, he then spoke with Lucy about me coming to Montreal when it was time to pick the boys up for their summer visit with us.  Thankfully, Lucy saw the problem as well and agreed to meet me after Aidan explained to her our theory for helping Connor cope with his fear of being disloyal to her by liking me.  Connor would also probably start adjusting to this new life of having two homes. 

Early one Saturday morning, Aidan and I drove from our home to Montreal to pick up the boys.  I wasn’t sure what to expect and my nerves were in overdrive.  When we arrived at Lucy’s house, things seemed to be off to a good start.  Lucy had a friend over (Aidan later told me that her friend was over to provide Lucy with moral support), but everything was going well as the adults all sat outside making small talk and sipping iced tea.  Every now and then, I’d catch the boys peeking around the corner to survey our conversation, and I watched as I saw their small faces looking at us with apprehension and curiosity.  Eventually I started seeing smiles, and a sense of relief flooded over me: we’d done the right thing.  

This went on for about a half an hour, and then Aidan got up and started loading the boys’ bags into the car.  I thought that the visit was over and that we’d soon be on our way.  I stood near Aidan watching him pack the car and silently congratulating myself for the way I’d handled this potentially difficult situation.  And then, out of the corner of my eye, I saw Lucy standing on the front step of her house.

“Katie, could you please join me inside for a little private chat?” she called out with a smile on her face.

I looked over at her, nodded, and headed inside.  As I stepped into her living room, I noticed that since we’d left the house, she had pulled the curtains closed.  Lucy’s demeanor had also changed: she stood facing me with her hands on her hips and her smile was gone.  Now I started feeling nervous.  The small room was dark and I felt trapped.  Between the overpowering scents of toasted bagels mingling with strongly perfumed candles, the lack of sunlight, and Lucy’s eyes boring into me, I found myself backing up towards the door.  As I moved, I stumbled over Martha Stewart-esque baskets of odds and ends.     

“Kath-er-ine,” Lucy said, exaggerating every syllable of my name.  “I’m so glad that we’ve finally met each other.  It’s so good for the boys, don’t you think?”  Her lips pulled tightly over her teeth and I could see the tendons in her neck begin to protrude.  “You’re just so – oh, what’s the word for it?  I’m not sure.  Mais, pardonez-moi.  Tu ne parle pas français?” 

Being from Montreal, French was Lucy’s second language.  She also knew that my French speaking abilities were limited, at best, since the boys (who are bilingual) loved poking fun at my American accent when attempting to speak French.  This was also the first that she had started speaking French to me since we had arrived at her home.  And now she was calling me Katherine instead of Katie.  Everything had suddenly changed from just a few minutes earlier.

Embarrassed, I replied, “No Lucy, I really don’t speak much French any more.  And please feel free to call me Katie.  I really don’t know anyone who calls me Katherine unless I’m at work.”

“Well, je préfère to use Kath-er-ine.”  She continued speaking in her mixed French and English.  Why had everything changed from sitting on the deck and talking nicely with each other to this strange confrontation?  Why wouldn’t she speak English consistently and why, for Christ’s sake, wouldn’t she call me Katie?

“And what do you think of Rory?” she continued.  “Connor, I’m sure, delights you, but vraiment! – You carry a child in your womb for nine months and he still ends up being just like his father!”

I couldn’t believe what she just said to me – was this a trap?  A way for me to say something negative about one of the boys?  About Aidan?  Was I being tested?  Did she really mean what she just said?

“That’s not a bad thing, is it Lucy?”  I asked.  “I think that Rory is a wonderful little boy – he’s smart, funny, and very outgoing.  You’re a very lucky woman.”

“Well, Kath-er-ine,” she chuckled quietly to herself, “I’m sure as time goes on…well, anyway.  Now, about discipline.  I want you to spank Connor and Rory when they misbehave.  I just spank their bottoms when their conduct is unacceptable.  S’il vous plait, tell Ai-dan to do the same.”

“Lucy,” I said quietly.  “I don’t want to spank either of the boys.  So far, we’ve really had no major problems and I’m just not comfortable with physically reprimanding the boys.” 

She looked at me, her hands still resting on her hips, and then she rolled her eyes.  “As you wish,” she said.  “Mais, you may come to change your mind.  The boys can be…difficult. But, maybe that’s because I am the mo-ther.”  With that, the meeting ended. 

Relieved, I hurried out to the car and got in.  Lucy followed me out, smiling.  She hugged the boys good-bye and we finally left.  Aidan reached over and held my hand.  I squeezed it, hard, and gave him a look that I hoped would convey the bizarre conversation that I’d just been involved in. 

Although I will always vividly remember the awkwardness of this meeting, as time has passed I try to put myself into Lucy’s shoes.  How would I have felt if I were meeting my husband’s second wife?  I’d certainly want to be dignified and poised.  I wouldn’t want to have a scene.  And on top of that, how would I treat a woman who was mothering my kids?  I wouldn’t be happy about it, that’s for sure.  I’d be nervous and I’d probably say things that I didn’t mean as I tried to give mothering advice to a woman who my kids clearly liked very much – trying to impress upon her the fact that I knew more about my kids than she ever would.  But when all is said and done, I’m just damn happy that I’m not in that situation and that I don’t have to make those choices.

 

So Sorry For the Lag in Posting...

Hi All,

I apologize for not making more posts as of late.  Things have been crazy at my house - the kids are here for their annual summer visit and my husband and I are trying to prepare to move to England.  No worries, though.  The posts will appear regularly again! 

Thanks so much for understanding!

Mother's Day for StepMoms

I don't know about the rest of you, but Mother's Day is usually pretty tough for me.  First of all, my own mother died so I don't have a mother to celebrate with, and secondly because my stepsons don't recognize me as any type of a maternal figure in their lives.  Lately, I've been trying to come up with traditions for myself to celebrate the mother I lost and the mother that I nurture inside of myself.  Sometimes it's by gardening, buying myself some flowers, setting aside some time to just read, or go out to dinner with my husband.  

I don't expect cards or gifts from my stepsons.  It's just that every now and again, it would be nice to hear, "Thanks, Katie for being you."  Honestly, that's all I'd like to hear.  My husband always has maintained that Mother's Day is a "Hallmark Holiday" and as much as I think it's right to celebrate parents, I do think that things have gotten blown out of proportion.  

What do you all do to celebrate yourselves and the gifts that you bring to your stepchildren's lives?  Do your stepchildren acknowledge your role in their lives?  How can we take care of ourselves on this day that seems to get a disproportionate amount of attention, especially compared to Father's Day?  Is it because we are women?  I'd love to hear your thoughts, so please join in the conversation!